Monday, January 9, 2012

Worry

We found out about two weeks before Christmas that we were pregnant. It was not a surprise. We were both excited but I could tell that we were both cautious this time. On Tuesday December 20th we began to have signs that we were losing the pregnancy. We called my doctor and were rushed in for lab work followed by more lab work two days later. During those days there was such a feeling of no control. There was absolutely nothing I could do to stop the symptoms. It was inescapable. I talked to God alot during this time. I don't really remember much of it. Except on the second or third day I asked for His Grace. There's a saying that goes something like God's Mercy is not getting something you deserve (like punishment) and His Grace is getting something you don't deserve (like all the blessings) I probably didn't quote that just right. But at the time that I was praying for His grace all I could think that in the picture one could argue that based on my own works I don't deserve all the blessings that he has given me and all I could ask for was His grace.

More weeks have passed and we have since lost the baby. I had my second ruptured tubal pregnancy which resulted in emergency surgery. In the week following the surgery the days were a blur of tears and pain meds. Finally a few nights ago I pulled out my bible and the internet and googled scripture about miscarriage (yes i know google is probably not the most recommended source for scripture, but there's no ruptured tubal listing in the reference section of my bible :)

There were many verses that I found that touched me but the one that really struck me regarding the first days of the miscarriage was
Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life. NIV

It comes from a passage about trusting God to provide for you and living by faith. Initially when I read it, I want to be mad at God. I want to be mad at Him for putting me in a place to hurt like this in the first place. This was my first experience with spontaneous miscarriage in this fashion. The first time I didn't know I was pregnant and I had a sudden ruptured tubal pregnancy which led quickly to surgery and it was over before I even had time to process that I was losing anything. This time I knew what I was losing and knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. But for some reason I wasn't. As soon as I read it I began to have a sense of peace. It helped me realize that He is going to take care of me even if the road is going to be bumpy.

My reason for writing this is simple. I know I'm not the only one to go through something like this. If there's even the smallest chance that my experience might help someone else through an event like this, then I want them to be able to know there are other people out there that understand.

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